Looking Back.

So, tonight was the end of the first of my two classes for the semester and the walk home got me thinking about what was to come: finals. Then I got to thinking about how I used to deal with finals in undergrad. That was not pretty.

I keep wanting to start this paragraph with “Basically, I haven’t had a real home since I was about 15.” But that’d be a lie, because I’ve had a “home” now for nearly the last six years in DC. (Two years at my current place, and three and-a-half at my previous one.) Yet, that sort of illustrates how deeply my teenage years affected me. Basically, somewhere in my mid-teen years I was shoved off from one parent to another, whichever one could take the time to raise me. Yadda yadda yadda. When that became too much of a burden, off to the other parent’s I would go. Or to my then-recently married and pregnant sister’s. It was an awful time which has served as a steady revenue stream for my therapist.

This meant that college was my golden ticket. Nobody in my family had gone to college before, let alone moved away. But it was my opportunity, and since I didn’t really have roots, I could pick up and do it without thinking about where I would live during the breaks, or how I would pay for the next semester.

Semesters were great! And they ended… and for 8 semesters, I had to figure out where I was going to live during breaks. Who was I going to crash with? What job was I going to take over the summer? Where would I live so I could take that job? Would I make enough money to still make my car payment and rent? Would I need to get a 2nd job? Would the job advance my career path or would it be back at Chick-fil-a or the food warehouse? Oh, and how in the fuck am I paying for next semester?

Today, all I have to do is study for an exam. (Next Thursday is the last one!) In fact, I can take the day off of work and make sure I’m prepared for it. What a novel concept! You know what happens the next day? I go to Baltimore to meet with a client. Then I come back home. My life doesn’t change. I still have a wonderful boyfriend and a job. I’m not displaced for the next month, looking for work to pay the bills and for next semester, but having a hard time because who wants to hire somebody just for a month and most seasonal hires have already been filled. I’m not distracted from studying by the nagging questions in the back of my mind that have yet to be answered and I’m just a week away from needing a plan. I can focus. I have a home. And I’m grateful.

I’m very fortunate, and that’s something I try not to forget. Those loans I took out paid off. Those grants I received helped. The kindness of strangers affected me immensely and made me the person I am today. I wouldn’t be here studying in peace without the help of a lot of people. Everybody deserves this same opportunity. And I’m worried that if I was in that same situation today, that I wouldn’t be so fortunate.